


Evolve

by Nikocat



Series: Let’s Talk About Feelings [2]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Autistic Caleb Widogast, Blow Jobs, Bottom Caleb Widogast, Canon Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Canon Lesbian Character, Childhood Trauma, College, Dom/sub Undertones, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Masturbation, Multi, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Past Abuse, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Smoking, Smut, Trauma, autistic author, caleb is bad at feelings, mlm, past self-harm, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27489109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikocat/pseuds/Nikocat
Summary: Grad Student Caleb Widogast is having his own struggles outside the chaotic existence he leads with his friends. Meeting new people, making, friends, and reading between the lines has never been easy... but meeting fellow grad student, Essek Thelyss, has complicated things even more. Caleb isn’t sure what he’s feeling, but it’s sure as hell uncomfortable. Being an awkward mess is something of a strong suit and unfortunately for Caleb, Essek is far from a mess, he’s enthralling.~another critical role college au no one asked for but I’m writing it anyway.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Past Caleb Widogast/Astrid
Series: Let’s Talk About Feelings [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1972210
Comments: 22
Kudos: 62





	1. Headcase

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy! This is a companion piece/ part of a series about the gayest slow burns with the (mostly) canon queers of the Mighty Nein. The chapters run concurrently/ contain simultaneous events as the other fic in this series, so there is plot overlap and copy/ pasted sections of dialogue from my Beau/ Yasha fic “Dots and Dashes” archiveofourown.org/works/26873095/chapters/65568181 — I just wanted to write alternate chapters about similar events with the empire kids!
> 
> Thank you for reading this entirely self indulgent fic, it means a lot to me. I’m just really gay and relate to Beau and Caleb and decided to finally write again after a whole ass year. A few things of note before we dive in– the majors are as follows: Beau is an anthropology major (totally projecting, don’t judge me,) Jester is an art major, Fjord is marine biology because wtf not, Nott is chemistry because ~alchemy~, Yasha is world religions, Caduceus is environmental science, and Caleb and Essek are both theoretical physics (I literally know nothing about physics so pls don’t come for me.) Idk I felt like these made the most sense. Anyway, all feedback is greatly appreciated and I hope you enjoy the story.  
> ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb is having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. There’s already been two strikes, and his day becomes even more chaotic when he encounters a possible third...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a companion piece/ part of a series about the gayest slow burns with the (mostly) canon queers of the Mighty Nein. The chapters run concurrently/ contain simultaneous events as the other fic in this series, so there is plot overlap and copy/ pasted sections of dialogue from my Beau/ Yasha fic “Dots and Dashes” archiveofourown.org/works/26873095/chapters/65568181 — I just wanted to write alternate chapters about similar events with the empire kids!
> 
> -Also I head canon Caleb as autistic and I’m autistic so there’s that  
> ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Caleb’s morning was going even worse than he had expected–– because yes, he usually expects things to go horribly wrong. It’s based on experience after all. He’d barely slept the night before–– his own fault really. He’d spent hours researching obscure theories on the dilation of time and various constants into the wee hours, sacrificing precious sleep. It was a typical Thursday for him however; falling down an infinitely fascinating rabbit hole of incredibly niche information. But that wasn’t the problem. The problem was the utter exhaustion he now felt and the insufferably long day that awaited him. He’d realized too late into his morning routine that he was out of much needed coffee. The dread that filled him escaped in an audible groan, alerting Nott to his predicament, which only made things worse as she began to fuss over him and make a big deal out of something that had already ticked his anxiety up a notch. If there were two things Caleb Widogast hated it was disruptions to his daily rituals and people bringing attention to them. He began to feel panicky at the thought of upsetting Nott, at the thought of burdening her with his relatively minuscule problem, but to him it felt impossibly large at the moment. That was strike one.

Strike two came when he went to to print the syllabi for the intro to physics class he was TAing. Being a PhD student gave him open access to staff spaces, but he’d seemed to have left his keys to Dr. Ikithon’s office back at his apartment. “Scheiße” He muttered under his breath. He scrubbed his hand over his face in a long dragged out motion, pausing for a moment on his stubble. _Fuck…_ He’d forgotten to shave. He felt incredibly foolish and forgetful. It was very on brand for him, but he was a PhD student now, he needed to get his act together if he wanted to be taken seriously. And Caleb very much wanted to be taken seriously. He began to rock back and forth slightly attempting to calm himself down, muttering quietly to himself. _Okay, Okay, Okay._ He let out a small forced, breathy laugh as he gripped his bicep and began to massage it nervously. Caleb was barely thinking straight in his exhausted state and first class jitters. To say he was overwhelmed was an understatement. Things were beginning to build up rather quickly and he was losing his ability to problem solve. He pulled out his phone, hastily unlocking it and opening the message app. He took a deep breath before texting his roommate.

**_Caleb:_** Veth? Please tell me you did not go back to sleep mein freund 

He could feel himself breathing quite heavily now, his heart pounding so intensely he could feel it in his ears. Three little dots appeared and disappeared on the screen, making his heart race even faster–– if that was even remotely possible. 

**_Nott:_** Caleb? Caleb! are you okay!?! What’s wrong? 

Her worried typing certainly wasn’t helping and now in his ever building bundle of nerves all words were escaping him. He could barely think and he kept trying to find any semblance of a sentence to reply with. 

**_Caleb:_** Keys 

A single word was all he could manage, a single fucking word that gave absolutely no context clues. He slumped back against the wall and slid down to the floor, placing his free hand on the surprisingly cool linoleum. He waited and waited for Nott to reply, but it seemed like lifetimes and Caleb only had the next thirty minutes to figure his shit out before his own seminar began. He wasn’t sure how he was going to make it to teaching this afternoon if the day kept going on like this. He looked back to his phone, praying for a reassuring sign when the three little elipses appeared again. After several moments Nott replied. 

**_Nott:_** Your office keys? You left them on the counter… should I bring them to you? Caleb are you in the nat sci building? It will take me a while to get there but I’ll come if you need me to!

Once more a response completely escaped him. He just continued to sit on the floor with his head down, tracing patterns into the tile. This day was not going well at all. He had waited and waited for Nott for what seemed like hours, despite it only being 10 minutes before he checked the time again–– even though he always knew what time it was. He supposed checking might ease some of the tension by reassuring him that the clock was in sync with his memory, but right now it definitely wasn’t helping… and he still hadn’t replied to Nott. He wasn’t even sure she was coming. This day was not going the way he hoped. Strike three came when, while in the middle of his mild panic, a set of jangling of keys echoed behind him. He felt his heart banging in his chest, his face slightly clammy, and he hoped to god it was Nott and not Professor Ikithon. But upon attempting to covertly look up, it was not his friend bringing him his keys. He watched as a dark slender hand moved to unlock the door. Caleb’s face dropped, heart sinking back down into his stomach as his eyes followed the hand back to its owner. The keys left the lock, returning to the pocket of a very well dressed, incredibly handsome man with short white hair, dark blue eyes that Caleb felt were piercing right through him, dusky purple skin, and silver jewelry that accentuated his elongated ears. 

“Someone forgot their keys I presume?” The voice that left his lips was rich and warm. Something foreign, yet inviting in his cadence. He smirked down at Caleb before extending him a hand.

Caleb stared blankly for a moment, blush creeping up his pale cheeks, leaving him feeling utterly exposed as he allowed the unfamiliar man to help him off the ground.

“Ah, Ja…” He managed, unable to look the man in the eye. “I seem to have forgotten many things this morning.” He let out one of his notoriously stiff, uncomfortable laughs that Beauregard always poked fun at. He felt incredibly awkward.

“Are you here for Dr. Ikithon, or…” The man cocked an eyebrow suspiciously at the very frazzled Caleb.

“Ja…” He paused, feeling the embarrassment deepen as he entered a conversation he wasn’t prepared for. “I am here to prepare for his class this afternoon. I am, ah, TAing this semester.” He combed his fingers through his hair. 

“I see.” The man mused, stroking his chin before pushing the door to the office open. “After you––”He paused, looking at Caleb expectantly. 

Caleb blinked for several moments before realizing he was supposed to introduce himself. He hastily held out his hand, his posture incredibly stiff.

“uh, Hallo. Caleb Widogast.” His intonation was all over the place. 

“Essek Thelyss.” The other man said with an air of curiosity as he shook Caleb’s hand. “I’m a student of Trent’s as well. Pleasure to meet you.”

Caleb looked at Essek briefly, before nodding in what he assumed would be read as agreement. It really was a pleasure to meet him. Essek was, for lack of a better term, enthralling–– not to mention that he had single handedly saved Caleb’s morning. Perhaps Essek Thelyss was not strike three at all, but he was definitely something Caleb hadn’t anticipated. Caleb hated being caught off guard.   
  
While he gathered his materials, Caleb found himself just staring at Essek for long periods of time, hoping the other man wouldn’t notice. Caleb studied him as he combed through the bookshelf in Dr. Ikithon’s office, obviously searching for something specific. He seemed rather stumped, humming in contemplation with furrowed brows. Caleb could feel his pulse quicken, feeling uncomfortably warm just beneath the collar. He stood there for several prolonged moments after he’d finally gathered the syllabi, time moving incredibly slow. His eyes continued to trail the other man as his slender fingers traced the spines of books in the section Caleb recognized to be on models of gravity and relativity. It wasn’t his own focus, but these were definitely topics he was interested in and he’d studied with Trent long enough to have memorized the spine of every book. Despite all his instincts telling him other wise, Caleb stepped toward Essek. He swallowed hard, working up the courage to say something. The words felt stuck in his throat the closer he got, but he continued to approach. He stopped a few inches behind Essek and began fidgeting with the hem of his sleeve before clearing his throat awkwardly. 

“Ah, is there a particular book you’re looking for? I know these shelves very well.”

Essek glanced over his shoulder, a suspicious and somewhat unreadable expression taking over his face, before his lips curled into a gentle smile.

“That would be much appreciated…” He paused briefly “I was looking for the historical development of quantum theories, I’m not sure the exact title. Dr. Ikithon recommended it to me for my research. I believe it’s by Vess DeRogna. Do you know it?” 

Caleb blinked for a moment. Essek was interested in histories as well? Perhaps they would be partnered together for future research. For some reason the thought excited him, a subtle chill making its way up his spine and goosebumps rising on his arms. He wasn’t sure what prospect he found more intriguing–– Essek’s interests or the possibility of exploring his mind and spending time with someone so seemingly brilliant. Caleb rubbed his hand over his mouth, feeling the roughness of his stubble in an attempt to ground himself.

“Ja, I know it.” He approached the shelf, allowing his gaze to scan the books before he found the title and quickly plucked it from its spot. “Here, Vess DeRogna’s _History of Quantum Gravity: Development of Major Theories of the past century.”_

He smiled softly at Essek, lacking control of his facial muscles. Caleb passed the book off to him, their fingers brushing briefly, sending another shockwave of electric chill throughout his body. He could feel a fluttering sensation rising from the pit of his stomach and heat rising up from his neck and onto his face, causing him to feel even more embarrassed. He quickly averted his gaze, eye contact was too much at the moment.

“I… appreciate the help. Thank you.” 

Caleb nodded silently, feeling oddly exposed. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say anything. He slowly drifted his eyes back toward Essek, who was flipping through the book, before tucking it into his bag. The other man met his gaze once more and straightened his posture before speaking again. 

“Well, Caleb, thank you again for the help. It was a pleasure to meet you. I hope we have the opportunity to work together in the future. I suppose I’ll be seeing you often enough as we are both working with Dr. Ikithon.” He held out his hand for Caleb to shake. 

Caleb had to remind himself to respond. He took Essek’s hand, perhaps a little to firmly, and reciprocated the gesture. 

“Ja, it was no problem. I’ve spent a lot of time in here. I have most of this––” He gestured around the room. “Memorized. It was a pleasure meeting you as well. I look forward to the future possibility… of working together that is.” 

With his final words, Essek silently nodded and made his way out of the office. Caleb lingered for several moments, slowing his breathing and over analyzing what just occurred. It seemed successful? But he was afraid he sounded stiff, perhaps rehearsed. Compared to Essek Caleb felt like an incompetent fool, unremarkable and disorganized. Essek had an effortlessness about him, something almost aloof that was disguised by warm words and feigned nicety. Perhaps Caleb was making assumptions. He left out a prolonged sigh before gathering his things and making his final preparations before class. He was usually very prepared, meticulous and intentioned. But today he seemed to be operating on a different wavelength and he felt very out of whack. This was the last thing he needed. He already felt Trent had his eyes trained on him, had too many expectations and an overestimation of his capabilities. It left him exhausted. Caleb had expectations of his own, too–– expectations that in someways surpassed his mentor’s. He knew he was hard on himself, but he’d always been considered ‘gifted’ and academics had always come naturally to him. 

  
Things had been fairly steady in his life for many years save for his social awkwardness and frequent misunderstandings, but he had been the object of much preferential treatment growing up due to his high intelligence. He was something of a prodigy. It wasn’t until university that his life began to rapidly unravel. It wasn’t that he wasn’t intelligent, it was more complicated. He was very intelligent. But he realized, being on his own without the support of family or the regimented structure he’d previously enjoyed, he began to become increasingly overwhelmed. The burnout came quickly. The overstimulation and inability to prioritize and parse through what was important began to grow out of control until he wound up in the hospital; suicidal, exhausted, and alone. But that was behind him now. Now he had a wonderful group of friends who were supportive and treated him like family. It took him a while to find them, but he was grateful nonetheless. Being on his own was probably one of the worst possible things he could fathom, and based on experience it was absolutely awful. Caleb found himself cycling this loop for far too long, shaking himself out of his rumination. Just as he was returning from his maladaptive spiral he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

  
**_Nott:_** Cay, you haven’t responded? Are you alright? Do you still need me to bring you your keys? 

Caleb’s eyes went wide as he looked at the time on his phone. _Scheiße._ He was utterly fucked. He had spent so much time lost in thought and occupied with Essek that he was running late for class. He unlocked his phone and hastily texted Nott, just to reassure her. He now felt panic creeping up again. 

**_Caleb:_** Nein, but thank you. Things are fine. I’m sorry I didn’t respond… I was preoccupied. I will see you for class this afternoon, Ja?

**_Nott:_** Okay, if you’re sure. I just worry about you Cay Cay. I can’t help it. I’ll see you later. Good luck today <3

Caleb sighed. Hastily tidying up the office before he began to bolt toward his seminar on the third floor. He ran up the stairs as fast as he could, but he knew as well as anyone who ever really looked at him that he wasn’t the most constituted or quick. So this sprint to the lecture hall wasn’t exactly saving time, rather it was adding on to the preexisting exhaustion. He grumbled to himself as he reached the top of the stairs. He pulled out his notebook as entered the classroom to a very disappointed looking Trent Ikithon. The beady eyes boring a hole through him. If his eyes could kill, Caleb was certainly deceased. He acknowledged Trent sheepishly and slunk into an empty seat, burying his head into his notes. He glanced up briefly, meeting Dr. Ikithon’s gaze once more. It spoke more than his words could. Caleb, despite his difficulties in reading people, knew that look was one of great frustration. His eyes plainly stated that Caleb would have to meet with him after the lecture. He was so fucked. He felt a sinking feeling take root in the pit of his stomach and willed himself to pay attention. Fear of disappointment was strong in him. He held his pen tightly, trying to remember any coping skills his therapist had imparted on him. _Mindfulness. Present. Sensations._ He breathed deeply, settling into his seat. His mind wouldn’t quiet, however and he found his thoughts drift back to Essek. Definitely strike three. 

As the lecture came to a close, Caleb’s sense of dread returned. He had to face the ire of his professor and he was not at all prepared for whatever litany of insults and disappointments were about to be thrust upon him. The few other students that were there began to leave, his ex Astrid giving him a look of sheer pity. Pity was a painful offering. Caleb hadn’t been prepared to see Astrid either, which in all honesty was his own lack of foresight and wishful thinking. The wounds were still quite raw from their falling out, despite the passage of years. Caleb was unfortunately very sensitive and those sort of wounds tend to linger. With one final passing glance her way, Caleb rose from his seat and approached Trent. The nervousness inside him continuing its steady simmer. He stopped before him, head down in shame. He was too afraid to look at him. 

“Care to explain why you were late, Bren?” Dr. Ikithon demanded.

Caleb winced. He hated when people used that name. He had changed it some time ago, it was a painful reminder of the family he lost and so he had decided to distance himself from the person he used to be. He decided to meet Trent’s gaze, hoping he could hold his ground and not feel so helpless. 

“I sincerely apologize, Herr Ikithon. I- was delayed. We had a minor emergency at my apartment this morning.” He found himself lying.

Lying had become very easy over the years.

“A poor excuse, Ermendrud. Don’t do it again. I know your potential. Don’t waste it, don’t squander your opportunities. I have given you many.” It was a definite threat.

“I promise I won’t. Again my sincere apologies. It will not happen again, I can assure you.” He managed. 

“Good. I expect you to attain excellence at all times. You are very bright, promising. I would hate for you to jeopardize your standing… _again.”_ There was such venom in his words.

Caleb knew exactly what he was referring to. He had been Ikithon’s pupil since undergrad and unfortunately the man knew about his unfortunate history. He used Caleb’s neurodivergence and trauma against him. _Fuck Trent Ikithon._ Caleb nodded solemnly, accentuating that he understood.

“Verstanden. Understood. I promise I won’t let you down. Things have been complicated, but they will not get in the way of my studies, I can assure you.” Looking Trent in the eye was beginning to feel threatening.

“Good. I know you well enough, Bren, to believe that you _believe_ that, but you will have to prove to me that you’re a worthy pupil. I trust you won’t disappoint me.”

He folded his fingers together, elbows leaning on the desk as he leaned closer. He was definitely trying to provoke him. 

Caleb simply nodded before exiting the room. He made his way back out to the hall, letting out a panicked sigh. Trent always made him feel so small, so insignificant and nervous. He pulled out his phone again, trying to take his mind off his chaotic morning and the perpetually intimidating Dr. Ikithon. He had nothing on his schedule until after lunch and he desperately needed to relax, preferably in the company of friends. Now he would let Nott fuss over him 

**_Caleb:_** Veth, do you want to get lunch with me? We could stop by to see Caduceus

 ** _Nott:_** That sounds amazing! Are you sure you’re okay? You could come back to the apartment and I could make something? 

**_Caleb:_** Ja, I’m okay. I would like to go out, I need to get away from campus for a while. Besides, we don’t have much back home, neither of us have done much shopping 

**_Nott:_** That’s… true. Alright, Cay. I’ll meet you at the Blooming Grove in 15 minutes <3 

**_Caleb:_** Danke, liebling

Caleb pocketed his phone and made his way off campus toward the tea room. It was quaint, relaxing, and usually quiet– something he very much enjoyed. As he exited the natural sciences building, the August heat greeted him. The air was muggy and hot, causing his hair to stick the back of his neck as sweat began to collect on his skin. It was an uncomfortable sensation and more recent development. Caleb’s hair had grown a significant amount over the past few months. He hadn’t bothered to cut it, having been so busy with juggling school and work. At first he had been self conscious about having neglected his appearance, but Jester had assured him he was very handsome and that long hair suited him. He wouldn’t lie, it made him very flustered when Jester calls him handsome… it feels inaccurate. Caleb had never really considered himself attractive but his friends, especially Nott and Jester, insisted that he was very handsome and shouldn’t be so self conscious. So he had decided he would keep his hair long if his friends insisted it looked good. He had grown accustomed to it now and was even beginning to like the length. It was good for fiddling with when he was stressed out, twisting it gently and combing his fingers through it. It also made an excellent means of shielding his face from other people so they wouldn’t bother him. But the worst part about his hair getting longer was how it stuck to his neck when it was hot. It almost made him squirm. So he reached into his satchel, fished out a hair tie, and pulled his hair back and away from his neck in a rather messy ponytail bun combination. 

By the time he reached the Blooming Grove, Nott had already saved them a table. He approached, a small smile curling on his lips. He felt a wave of relief wash over him as he sat at the table, the comforting presence of Nott in large part. He reached across the table and took her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“Danke.” He said softly. 

“Of course, Caleb. You know I’d do anything for you.”

Her eyes were bright and warm. He knew that she loved him. They sat for a moment in fond silence, before they noticed Caduceus making his way over to the table, teas balanced on a wide tray. 

“I uh, took the liberty of brewing you a little something. Don’t worry it’s on me. You look like you need a little calm, my friend.”

Caduceus placed the cups before them, gently squeezing Calebs shoulder once they were handed off. Caleb smiled up at Caduceus, placing his hand over the firbolg’s and patting it lightly. 

“You’re a good friend, Caduceus. Thank you.”

“I try. It’s easy to see when someone needs a little help. And you, mister Caleb, seem like you’re in need of some at the moment.” 

Imparting his words upon the pair, Caduceus left them for a bit to let them figure out their orders and giving them a few minutes of alone time. Nott eyed at Caleb suspiciously, she knew there was something lurking beneath the surface. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hide his troubles from her, but he could omit and divert. He sat quietly, sipping the mysterious specialty brew, reveling in the flavors that were strangely difficult to place. But he remained quiet and avoided eye contact for the time being. Though he could still feel Veth’s gaze analyzing him.

“Everything alright, Caleb? You know you can tell me.” 

“Ja, just a frustrating morning. Not very good. But it’s over now and we will see Fjord, Jester, and Beauregard this afternoon, so that’s something to look forward to I suppose.” He mumbled into his cup. 

“Okay…” She trailed off. “You still seem upset, though. I don’t want you to be overwhelmed or anything. You don’t have to tell me, but you’re my best friend and I would hope that you feel comfortable talking to me.”

“Mhm.” He hummed. “I do, I’m just not sure how to say it. I feel very tired–– the tea is helping though. I was foolish and stayed awake most of the night studying. It threw off my whole morning. You saw, it was not good. Many things went wrong, one after the other. It’s stressful. You know… I barely slept, I left my keys, I was late to my seminar. Ikithon is angry with me, there were many things I wasn’t prepared for today…”

“Caleb.” Nott’s tone was sympathetic, but there was a sternness there as well. “You don’t have to be perfect all of the time. It’s okay. I know you are very smart and capable. A couple of bumps in the road don’t negate that. You know we all believe in you. And you know how we feel about Icky-thong.” She joked. “You’re worth a hundred of him.” She beamed at him, her kind eyes filled with fond warmth.

Caleb appreciated her more than he could ever begin to express. He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. A silent thank you. 

It wasn’t long before they ordered lunch, sitting in silence for the remainder of their time together. Caleb felt like Nott might be uncomfortable with the prolonged quiet, but if she was she didn’t say anything. He felt his mind going over all the things that went wrong and mentally, he punished himself. Maybe torture was a better description. He went over every little thing he did and said, picking it apart and scolding himself for not pulling from his roster of practiced phrases, conversations, and interactions. Caleb was very good at socializing when the scene had been one he’d rehearsed, when it was one he’d studied countless times, but he could feel the weight of his confusion and frustration broaching into overload territory. He focused on his sandwich instead, trying to eat despite how nervous his stomach felt. As he and Nott finished their meals Caduceus sauntered over for one last chat. He smiled, like he always did, his pleasant demeanor reassuring. 

“Whatever it is you’re going through right now Caleb, it’s only temporary. It’ll pass and things will be okay. You’ll be okay. Don’t worry about everyone else, you’re your main priority and I think right now you may be too focused on how others might perceive you. They don’t matter, though. Those people pass by like seasons, but the people who care about you stay steady like a nice, big tree. Don’t forget, we’re your tree.”

Caleb nodded, still silent and finding it difficult to pull words. He was truly grateful. He always appreciated Cad’s tidbits of wisdom. He was extraordinarily in tune with some greater force and it baffled Caleb immensely, but he seldom questioned it.

“That was beautiful, Ducey.” Nott said softly as she hopped down from the bench.

“Thanks. That means a lot.” He offered back. 

Nott and Caleb bid Caduceus goodbye for now, knowing they’d be seeing him later. Caleb took out his phone again, double checking the time. He still had over an hour before he was supposed to co-teach the intro physics class and he was glad Nott had decided to take it this semester. At least there would be one friendly face in the room. He hummed softly, contemplating whether or not he had enough time to stop by the library. For Caleb it wasn’t really ‘stopping by,’ more like making camp in the stacks. He glanced over at Nott who was now rapidly texting who he assumed was Jester or Beau. They often gossiped with each other about things Caleb had no particular interest in, but at the moment the level of intensity in each of Nott’s fingers was intriguing him.

“Ist alles in Ordnung?” He was curious to know if something was wrong. 

Nott stammered. “No-Nothing! It’s nothing, Cay Cay. Just girl stuff between me and Jester. Do you want to go to the library? I thought you said you wanted to check out that book on weird timey stuff.”

Caleb laughed. “Oh mein, freund. You know me very well.” 

The pair headed toward the library, a clear goal in mind. Caleb did indeed want that book on ‘weird timey stuff.’ It was necessary for his research, but he also wanted to look into some other things and before Caleb knew it he was deep in the shelves stacking book after book into his arms. There were probably too many for him to get through in the next few days, let alone carry out of the library. Maybe he’d reserve them and come back later. He mused quietly, contemplating whether or not to take them all now when a familiar voice disrupted his train of thought.

“That’s certainly a sizable collection you have.” Essek’s words hit him from behind. 

His unanticipated presence startled Caleb, causing him to jolt. The sudden motion sent the stack of books tumbling out of his arms. The look of sheer panic that must have crossed his face at both the unexpected appearance of one Essek Thelyss and the inevitable gravitational pull of the free falling books was something Caleb hoped wasn’t immediately obvious. He felt his heart beating faster, not entirely knowing what to do, he instinctually tried to catch them. That was a horrible, horrible mistake. Their momentum paired with the sheer amount and weight collided into his arms and chest, straining the muscles as they slipped just out of his grip. This was so incredibly embarrassing. Caleb’s face dropped, a clamminess developing quickly. He sheepishly turned around, holding his now very sore shoulder. 

“I– ah. I’m sorry.” He wasn’t sure if he was apologizing to himself or Essek. “You startled me… I wasn’t expecting—” 

It was hard for Caleb to tell but it seemed as if Essek was laughing. His hand covered his mouth in a strange, almost demure way. There was a slight scrunching at the corners of his eyes before he cleared his throat and straightened his posture. Yes, he definitely had been laughing. 

“It’s alright, I’ve been told I have a horrible habit of sneaking up on people. Apparently my footsteps are very quiet.” 

“Nein… no, I just am easily spooked I suppose.” Caleb darted his eyes back toward the stack of books and bent down to retrieve them.

He would absolutely be reserving these.There was no way he could carry a stack that large after tweaking his shoulder in such an embarrassing display. 

“Here,” Essek crouched down next to him. “It’s the least I can do.” 

Essek joined him on the floor, scooping up the tomes furthest from Caleb. Caleb tried to avert his gaze, but he felt unable to stop. Studying Essek may very well become a new fixation. He sincerely hoped it wouldn’t. But it was difficult to draw his thoughts away from the possibility of getting a glimpse into the other man’s mind, to get to know him better. This fell into territory strictly beyond Caleb’s better judgement. Normally he avoided new people. New people meant rehearsing the same tedious pleasantries, trying not to dominate conversations or be too quiet, asking the right questions, staying on topic. These were all things he loathed. He spun the thoughts around like a record on repeat, wondering if Essek would find him odd and tiresome if they were to ever have a real conversation. He feared he was severely beneath Essek in terms of the social echelon. The man had a grace and elegance about him that someone of Caleb’s upbringing could never even dream of faking. That manner of presentation, social decorum, and charm comes from the highly rich and powerful and Caleb could tell that Essek was old money. His dreams of even dipping a toe into the same social milieu of someone that brilliant and versed were dashed immediately. He sighed as he collected the last of the books around him. 

For the second time that day, Essek’s hand reached out to help Caleb to his feet. Caleb tentatively took it, hoping his face wasn’t as red as it felt. As he stood up Caleb caught Veth watching them from the corner of his eye. _Scheiße, has she been watching this whole time?_ He swallowed hard as he turned back toward Essek, unintentionally locking eyes with the other man. _Fuck._ They were beautiful and impossibly deep. They reminded Caleb of an infinite blue galaxy, a luminous quality shining through despite the dimness in the depths of the library. He willed himself back, squeezing Essek’s hand harder than he needed to. 

“Danke.” He managed. 

“Not a problem in the slightest.” Essek’s voice was warm and rich.

Caleb was sure he saw a smile curling at the corner of his lips.

“Would you like help with these? It’s no trouble I assure you.” 

Caleb stared at Essek’s cocked brow for a moment before nodding clumsily.

“Ja, that would be good. Thank you.” He paused briefly, searching for his sneaky halfling friend. “Veth, are you ready to go?” 

Nott appeared around a corner, holding a book Caleb knew for certain she wasn’t actually reading. It was a guise for spying and it left Caleb feeling uncomfortably annoyed.

“Coming Cay Cay!” She scurried over, trailing behind the pair as the made their way to the circulation desk.

He tried not to audibly groan, he could feel himself tense up with the utterance of the embarrassing nickname. He knew his face was now flush, feeling the heat spread onto his ears and neck. He looked over his shoulder and shot daggers at Nott, his eyes intense. 

“Cay Cay?” Essek’s attempt at stifling his laughter, was poor at best and unsuccessful at worst. “That’s… charming.”

“Veth, my friend over there, has a rather amusing habit of bestowing rather odd nicknames. Just ask our friend Caduceus…” Caleb deadpanned. 

Essek didn’t say anything in response, simply nodding with an amused smirk. 

Before long the three of them reached the desk near the entrance. Caleb poured over the rather large collection for a moment, debating which ones he should take with him and which he would reserve for a rainy day. He felt stumped. Deep in thought and struggling to make choices, Caleb flinched slightly when Essek tapped his shoulder. He held out a well-worn, rather large book that Caleb recognized, but had never read. He didn’t remember pulling it off the shelves, though It had long been on his list. He had had no reason to read it until this year when he was begining the foundations of what would become his dissertation. 

“I recommend you take this one with you. The Krynn’s writings on time dilation. It seems like you’d finding it interesting.” Essek’s expression was difficult to read. 

“I appreciate the suggestion very much. I’ve been curious about this one for some time. It’s hard to choose which ones to take when there are infinitely interesting things to get lost in.” Caleb chuckled softly.

“Well Mr. Widogast, it was good to see you again. I hope you enjoy the book. I’ll see you around I suppose.” Essek gave a gentle wave and nod towards Nott as he exited the library.

Caleb had noticed Nott watching the entire interaction. He was acutely aware of her presence and still felt the annoyance simmering inside him, but it began to subside as she reached for his hand. 

“Time to get to class, Caleb. We don’t want Icky-thong to be mad at you again.” She smiled as she lead him back toward the nat sci building.

Class seemed to drag on. It felt like hours since Caleb had been introduced as the TA and time just continued to drag on and on. He didn’t know what he wanted more; to go see his friends and spend much needed time with them or go hide in his apartment with Frumpkin, lost in a book and trying to drown out his embarrassment that still lingered. He felt his phone vibrate, correctly assuming it was the Mighty Nein group chat. He tried not to look at it, he needed to be professional and have Trent’s favor, but his curiosity and the annoying buzzing got the better of him. He opened the chat briefly to see what was going on. Beau, Fjord, and Jester were up to their typical antics and Nott was excitedly anticipating their time together soon after their class ended. There was an amusing and rather ridiculous picture of Fjord that Caleb struggled not to laugh at. He quickly typed that he was teaching and gently scolded Nott to pay attention, making disapproving eye contact with her in real time. It wasn’t long after the he sent the message that class came to a close. Caleb waited for Nott while she packed up her things. He said a hasty goodbye to Dr. Ikithon, not wanting to engage in another conversation like this mornings, and when Nott was finished they darted toward the quad. 

The Mighty Nein greeted them enthusiastically upon arrival. Nott ran as fast as she could toward her friends who were sprawled out on Jester’s familiar pink donut patterned blanket. He watched as Nott squeezed in between her friends and gave them impossibly tight hugs while they exchanged enthusiastic hellos. He noticed the surprised and semi-uncomfortable face Beau made as Nott squeezed the life out of her, he found it endearing. His little friend sat among the rest of them and while there was plenty of room left on the blanket, Caleb was still sitting in a lot of discomfort and exhaustion. He wasn’t feeling particularly in the mood for close contact at the moment. Despite wanting to see his friends he needed his space. He zoned out for several moments, laying back into the grass and letting his body feel it’s softness around him. He closed his eyes and shut out the world for a bit to collect himself. But Beau wasn’t going to let him have a moment’s peace.

“What, do we all have the plague or something, Widogast?” Beau ribbed.

Caleb looked up bemusedly, eyes squinting at her in suspicion. “Ja, was ist es?” He stared blankly for a moment. “Can I help you, Beauregard or am I allowed to take a rest?”

“Nap later, Caleb. Your friends wanna hang with you, you asshole.” Beau lightly punched his shoulder, causing him to wince slightly.

“Careful!” Nott called over her shoulder, her Caleb senses triggered. “He pulled a muscle carrying books in the library earlier!”

Beau snorted, followed by several moments of unrestrained laughter.

“Wow, you really are squishy.” She wiped away stray tears. “ Gotta hit the gym with me sometime so you don’t have to ask any pretty boys to do the heavy lifting for you. You can impress them all by yourself.”

She winked and pat his shoulder a little too hard as she pulled away. Caleb was acutely aware that he was now blushing furiously. The idea of his friends teasing him about dating and flirting always made him uncomfortable. At least Beau apologized to him, not long after. He wasn’t sure if it was about hitting him or teasing, but he appreciated it either way. It was fine, he would get over it quickly. But the blush lingered for a little too long and he noticed, Beau’s attention was still on him, a skeptical look in her eyes.

Caleb watched the group intently for a while, just observing them, enjoying their presence without participating. Soon Nott came back toward him, sitting behind him. She silently asked permission to play with his hair, something Caleb found incredibly soothing and deeply affectionate.

Nott began to lovingly fiddle with his hair, weaving intricate braids and stray bits of clover that had been growing in clusters nearby. Her hands were steady and delicate, occasionally disappearing into Caleb’s thick copper strands, only to appear again and to arrange flowers. He felt a new sense of calm, a restful expression now graced Caleb’s face. He felt at ease eyes closed, head bent down before he rummaged through his bag to retrieve the book Essek had recommended to him. He studied it intently, turning it in his hands. He hummed softly to himself, rocking slightly in time with the rhythm as he examined it. He felt him self relax as he stimmed, Nott’s hands still working through his hair. healthy stims. He paused for a moment, opening up the book to skim through the pages. He’d read it in full later, but he was hungry for a glimpse. He turned to a random page, a slip of paper tucked between the sheets had prompted the book to open here. Caleb picked it up, taking in the neat delicate writing, blue ink characters scrawled neatly upon it. His eyes grew wide as he realized what it contained, his heart fluttered, and heat pooled in the pit of his stomach. It was a phone number with a quick note attached.

_It was a pleasure meeting you this morning Caleb,_

_perhaps we could meet for coffee or drinks_

_sometime… talk about our seemingly aligned_

_interests._

_-Essek Thelyss_

There was no hiding his now obviously red complexion, but damn if he wan’t going to try. Essek is going to be the end of him.


	2. Buzzkill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb decides wallowing is a perfectly reasonable way to deal with his feelings. Caleb spends the better part of his weekend questioning everything until the questions lead him back to Essek

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this took me a while. Life, ya know? Seriously thank you so much for taking the time to read this and give feedback. Some notes before we start. There are fairly heavy instances of alcohol use, bordering on it being unhealthy. If this is triggering for you I recommend skipping. There are (previous) self-harm mentions, nothing graphic though. There are also a section towards the end with smoking with slightly detailed depictions (if this is uncomfortable for you, again I recommend skipping.) Look I don’t condone smoking, but aesthetically its very sexy.
> 
> I know in Talks Liam said that Caleb wouldn’t really use alcohol the way Nott/Veth does/did because he likes to torture himself by feeling miserable, but I felt like it made sense here. Might be a little out of character, but I digress.
> 
> I also didn’t mean too, but chapter is so much longer than the first one. Anyway enough rambling! I hope you enjoy this chapter! As always feedback is welcome :)  
> ________________________________________________________________________________________________

As the afternoon crept on, Caleb continued to stare anxiously at the note between the pages of the book Essek gave him. Though he was with his friends, he paid them little mind. His thoughts were elsewhere, occupied on the uncomfortable and wildly perplexing sensations brewing inside him. He could still feel Veth’s hands fiddling with his hair, it one of the few things he was actively paying attention to. The voices of the Nein were recognizable around him, but out of reach. His ears burned hot still, even though several moments had past since he first discovered Essek’s note. He blinked vigorously at the hand writing, committing it to memory. Essek’s penmanship was flawless and graceful, just like he was. The blush that re-emerge threatened to expose Caleb’s innermost feelings, which he still wasn’t quite sure of. They were complex. He had just met the man yet their simple, brief interactions left him struggling to place a category or feeling to what had begun stirring within. There was curiosity, embarrassment, certainly his interest was piqued, but the most confusing thing was this strange gravitational pull that felt like it was drawing Caleb in closer to something potentially devastating and reckless. He was intimidated and oddly captivated. Emotions are difficult to place and even harder to articulate. 

Time seemed to progress in a way that made little sense; both incredibly slow and moments passing in the blink of an eye. Before he knew it Caleb found himself heading to Jester and Beau’s with the rest of his friends. The late summer heat clung to his body, sweat sitting uncomfortably in the wispy hairs at the nape of his neck, reminding him that he was still in the present. He tried to recenter himself, falling back into the rhythm of conversation his friends had going, but he felt utterly lost. He resigned to listening silently and acting as if he understood what they were talking about. He couldn’t help but notice Beau seemed quiet as well. He made a mental note, saving his concerns for later. He didn’t want to spoil the mood. They reached their destination fairly quickly, no more than a 15 or so minute walk from the main campus. Caleb didn’t mind the stroll other than the heat. He truly wasn’t built for warmer climates and there were too many unpleasant sensations happening at once, both physically and mentally. As they reached the apartment complex Caleb felt Veth slip her hand into his and squeeze it gently. He knew she could tell he wasn’t completely himself, but he didn’t want to draw attention to it. He simply nodded and squeezed back. She made him feel safe. 

The five of them sat in Jester and Beau’s apartment for what seemed like an eternity as they waited on Caduceus to get off work and bring them pizza. Caleb wasn’t particularly hungry, in fact his stomach felt uneasy with a mix of lingering twinges of self-consciousness and anxiety. He thought better of skipping out on a meal though. In his experience eating well wasn’t always a luxury he’d had and saying no to free food would definitely make him a fool. Take what you can get. That’s the lesson he’s learned so many times. Today he was applying this school of thought, too. Take what you can get… accept the fact that Trent isn’t outright punishing you, that you managed to get through the day— for now, that Essek extended the bare minimum of social decorum on someone who would never even see what that level of class and privilege looked like. At least Caleb had something to latch onto; he had friends who he cared about deeply and wanted to be around them despite his somewhat fickle temperament at the moment. 

Caduceus didn’t show up until half past 5 and though Caleb knew when he got off work, he began to feel rather impatient and restless while waiting. After watching Jester and Cad set everything up in the kitchen the rest of the party descended like a pack of hungry dogs, grabbing and shoving loudly to get their choice. Caleb hung back, however. He was less interested in first choice and more invested in at least having one. He waited until everyone else was satisfied, grabbed a slice and followed his friends to the couch only to slide onto the floor. He sat, legs crossed like a pretzel as he half paid attention to the arguing over which characters everyone would play in Mario Party. At this point he was utterly disinterested, focusing on the slice of pizza resting on a paper plate in his lap. Looking down, his eyes trailed to his pants’ pocket, the note from Essek neatly folded inside. The note burned a hole in it so to speak. He wanted to look at it again, wanted to continue to study it and discern the infinite potential meanings that might be hidden somewhere in the ink. Caleb tried to stray away from that line of thinking. It was becoming too much for him to handle. He desperately tried to avoid thinking about anything that happened prior to meeting up with his friends. It was for his own sanity, his own good. But everything aside from his thoughts seemed just out of reach around him, white noise and immaterial. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to pay attention to his friends, something inside him just _couldn’t._

He was utterly exhausted still, the lack of sleep coloring his view negatively. He felt sort of grumpy and knew that he was more vulnerable at the moment, but being around friends should’ve mitigated that. Should’ve was the word that clung in his mind, but the should didn’t happen. He felt frustrated that he was wallowing. He thought most of that had at least diminished some… And then Beau asked if anyone wanted alcohol. Caleb wasn’t normally one to drink much, but for some reason he suddenly wanted to drown out all the bullshit swarming around in his mind. He kept going back to Trent, to his disdain and pompous disrespect that Caleb somehow felt he partially deserved. It made him utterly miserable and he didn’t want to think about it anymore. He found himself accepting Beau’s proposal— a little too eagerly. 

“Whiskey, neat. Make it a double.” He was stiff in his delivery.

He became acutely aware of her suspicions, but she didn’t press any further for the time being.

It didn’t take too long for Beau to return with a generous glass of scotch. It was good shit too, not something Caleb was particularly used to. He looked up at her, hoping his expression seemed appreciative.

“Danke.” He took it gently from Beau’s hand and knocked it back fast. “Is the bottle still out? It’s not enough to get pissed.” He dead panned.

Beau didn’t respond to him verbally, she just narrowed her eyes and nodded toward the kitchen before joining Jester, Fjord, Cad, and Veth on the couch. Caleb didn’t take too long to finish the glass. He turned it curiously in his hand, watching as the last few drops of whisky swirled around the bottom. It was oddly soothing. The slow repetition seemed to settle him for the time being, but he still wanted the bottle so he got up gingerly, a nice buzz beginning to take over, and headed toward the kitchen.

He searched through the cabinets, not knowing exactly where Beau kept her booze, but scotch wasn’t something you chilled necessarily so he looked above their fridge. Low and behold sitting behind several bottles of unopened merlot was the whisky. He plucked it down quickly and returned to his spot on the floor next to the couch. Taking a big swig, Caleb turned his attention back toward the game his friends were currently enjoying. He wasn’t one for video games, but he enjoyed how excited his friends got. Particularly Jester. Caleb always admired her enthusiasm. Her joy was infectious and he appreciated her deeply. He truly felt like she, and the rest of the Nein, made him a better person. He was trying to make an effort of saying it more often, but right now he was finding it increasingly difficult to say anything at all. He knew it wasn’t the alcohol. If anything drinking made him more talkative and surprisingly affectionate. He didn’t mind. It was one of the few times he didn’t feel so awkward. Though things during their spring break in Hupperdook weren’t exactly what Caleb would call smooth.

He had gotten so fucking plastered that he brought up his ex girlfriend while dancing with Jester. He had called her Astrid too. It was humiliating and painful. This prompted her and Veth, after making sure he was okay and safe in his bed, to go through his phone (because of course Veth knew the password,) find Astrid in his contacts (because of course he was sentimental) and text her saying that he was thinking about her. She didn’t respond but it still mortified him. He never really talked about his life before the Nein much since then— not that he did before either, but he didn’t want anymore mishaps like that one. So Caleb tended to only drink socially and with limitations, but he wasn’t listening to his rules tonight. He didn’t feel like he should. It was hard for him to verbalize anyway and again, he was certain it wasn’t the alcohol. He just got that way sometimes when things were overwhelming. He would lose his ability to speak and even though he knew what he wanted to say, words just wouldn’t come out. It was like they were stuck inside him with no way to escape. He knew that that’s what this was. He was stressed out, over tired, and confused. Not a great combination. So he continued to take infrequent swigs from the bottle.

The more buzzed he got, the more fidgety he seemed to become. So much for trying to drown things out. He needed a greater distraction. He reached down into his pocket, pulling out his phone. Maybe he would check his emails just for the hell of it. He probably already had student questions seeing as Dr. Ikithon was a difficult professor and that syllabus was absolutely confusing. As he pulled out his phone, the note from Essek came with it. He noticed it slip out immediately, folded neatly into a small square, it rested just a few centimeters from his thigh. He swallowed hard before picking it up quickly and opening it to read it again.

_It was a pleasure meeting you this morning Caleb,_

_Perhaps we could meet for coffee or drinks_

_Sometime… talk about our seemingly aligned_

_Interests._

_-Essek Thelyss_

The phone number written beneath Essek’s name was taunting him. It was telling him to answer, but Caleb’s instincts kept fighting the desire. He looked from the note to his phone, back and forth several times, unsure what to do. He took a note from Veth’s old play book and took a generous swig from the bottle to give himself some liquid courage. Clarity was something he didn’t want at the moment. That was for later when he would absolutely regret his choices.

He took several deep breaths before opening his messages and drafting a new text. He typed in Essek’s number, hands shaking slightly and fingers unsteady. He kept typing and deleting possible responses to send, but nothing seemed right. He either sounded too eager, too aloof, or too awkward. Anxiety was welling up and he wasn’t quite sure how to handle it so he just kept repeating the same steps, typing and retyping, deleting and thinking.

_Hallo Essek, this is Caleb Widogast. Your note was a welcome surprise…_

He quickly backspaced.

_Thank you for your invitation, Mr. Thelyss. I would be happy to—_

Caleb groaned. Looking up at the ceiling briefly before trying again.

_Ja, hi this is Caleb…_

Horrible, horrible, horrible. Why was he so awful at this? He felt his face growing hot, it was either from the amount of liquor he’d consumed or the embarrassment. It was difficult to tell. Why couldn’t he be inherently and effortlessly charming like Jester or a smooth talker like Fjord? It didn’t really matter the context he just wanted to be decent at talking to people without overthinking and rehearsing. It was weighing on him rather heavily for something seemingly so insignificant. But Caleb desperately wanted to be taken seriously and have working, mutual relationships with others in his field. He felt very isolated and though he had friends, none of them really understood his interests. He found it difficult not to over explain or info dump all of the obscure theories and philosophies he’d studied. He really had no one else to engage with about his passions and Essek seemed like a hopeful, albeit foolish, place to start fostering some connection.

Caleb sighed deeply, the blue light of his phone illuminating his face in the now dim apartment. It was getting progressively later and he hadn’t really engaged with his friends at all, but it seemed almost impossible at the moment. Sitting in deep contemplation, distracted by his alcohol fed spiral, he barely noticed Beau sauntering over and sinking down beside him. A heavy breath escaped her lips as she dropped down, alerting him to her presence. He glanced over subtly, his head still tilted towards his phone. He tried to ignore her, continuing to draft and scrap possible answers to Essek. He didn’t feel like talking, he wasn’t even sure if he really could right now, but he could tell Beau was about to press him into divulging things he didn’t want to.

“Everything good Widogast?” Beau was inquisitive, sliding ever closer to him.

Caleb didn’t respond for several moments, he wasn’t sure how to.

“Okay, you don’t have to tell me or anything…” She side eyed him.

“Ja, I’m fine.” His tone was curt, he hoped the bluntness would deter her.

He could feel Beau’s eyes trained on him, trying to figure him out. She quietly inched closer to him, more so than he would’ve liked. He could tell she was trying to invade his privacy, but he was determined to keep her at bay, tilting his phone closer and away from her prying eyes. Just as he thought he’d succeeded giving hints that this was private, Beau quickly snatched the phone from his grasp. Caleb felt his face drop, brows knitting together, features transforming from contemplative to shocked confusion. He slowly turned to face Beauregard, his eyes trying to convey the feeling of betrayal. But he could feel the panic taking over instead based on the taken aback expression that she now possessed.

“Beauregard… please give me back my phone.” He tried to sound calm, but it was forced, the feigned steadiness shaky.

He heard her let out a sort of chiding snort.

“Come on, Caleb. You’re ignoring everyone and whatever you’re doing can’t be as fun as hanging out with us. I won’t look, I promise.”

He absolutely did not believe her. She had that look. The look that told Caleb that in this moment her curiosity was more important than his feelings. It pissed him off, but he didn’t know how to handle it. He was right of course, Beau couldn’t help herself. He watched as she turned the phone in her grasp and attempted to discern what he was doing. He took another generous sip of whisky, trying to subdue the conflicting emotions swirling inside.

“Making new friends?” She pried.

Caleb wasn’t going to tell her shit. He knew the prospect of him potentially branching out would both excite and concern the Nein, but he didn’t want his affairs to be the new topic of frequent group chats. So he did what he was taught to do, deflect and tell half truths.

“Nein, working up to texting a colleague…” He knew he sounded stiff.

“Why so shifty then, Caleb?” Her brow cocked slightly.

“He… I’m intimidated by him.” He admitted sheepishly, a noticeable blush dusting his cheeks. He could kick himself. Right now the booze was threatening to tear apart the careful façade.

Beau hummed thoughtfully. He sensed it had to do with potential guilt, she’d been trying to be gentler after all.

“Ugh. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that.” She leaned her head into her hand, partially covering her eye, her embarrassment now obvious.

Caleb looked her over suspiciously for a moment before responding. His own questions making themselves known.

“I think maybe I should be asking if you’re okay?” He felt a bit calmer, but not much. “You seem… not yourself.”

He could see Beau was taken aback by his accuracy. Caleb knew, simply by being in proximity to him for so long, that she didn’t want him to be accurate. It was fairly obvious that she was trying to pull the same shit he had just done. After all this time they’d become something like siblings and though Caleb had grown very fond of her, he was frustrated by her impulsiveness and immaturity at times. He supposed this is what it felt like to be an older sibling, but he wouldn’t know. He had no point of reference. He watched and listened intently as Beau exhaled into a half-assed explanation

“You caught me. I’m feeling all kinds of fucked right now. I have all these fucking expectations put on me and I already fucked up last year. I don’t want to let Dairon down again and feel like shit because I was fucking around instead of taking things seriously. I know I’m better than that and Dairon knows it too, but it feels like shit to have all of that following me. You know?”

“Ja, verstanden. I know it well. Ikithon… he doesn’t forget failures.” Caleb really did understand, probably too well.

He could feel the troubled expression taking hold and clutched the whisky even tighter in his hand. He felt Beau’s eyes trained on him intently. She would take the bottle from him no doubt and he certainly wouldn’t fight her. He didn’t have the energy or will power.

“I think you’ve probably had enough of that.” Beau gently weaseled it away from his grasp.

She frowned at him, but only for a moment. He returned her gaze with a pained, awkward smile.

“You’re right. I don’t entirely know what I’m doing Beauregard. Today has been…”

“Fucked up?”

“Fucked up.” He echoed.

He felt her watching him silently for a while longer. He knew a new line of questioning was waiting just behind her teeth. Perhaps it was her own form of distraction

“You wanna tell me what’s really going on? I mean if this co-worker guy makes you feel intimidated that’s not a bad thing, you know that right? That’s a pretty natural reaction to people if you ask me. Feeling threatened by shit outside your control.”

He narrowed his eyes at Beau, seriously debating whether or not to say anything.

“I don’t know. He’s just so put together, intelligent, and obviously more practiced and I’m… well, me?”

Beau frowned at him. He knew what was to come and he didn’t want to face it. He braced himself for the anger laced concern that she always threw at him.

“Caleb… you know you don’t have to prove anything to anyone, right? Remember. You’ve said that shit to me so many times. Don’t be such a dick to yourself or I’ll have to hurt you.”

“Is that a threat?” He cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. He knew full well it was.

“Oh you fucking know it is.” She smirked playfully.

He felt Beau squeeze his arm with a surprising gentleness and scooped the bottle off the floor. He winced a bit as it was the same arm the books had crashed into, but he was somewhat grateful for the pain… and of course, for Beau.

“You’re cut off, okay?”

He tried to meet her gaze. He felt a slight pang of guilt in his chest. He knew he was exhibiting some worrisome behaviors.

“Okay.” He said flatly.

“You know I’m always here right?”

Caleb nodded solemnly before Beau walked back toward the the kitchen with the scotch. He wasn’t sure if he was glad she took it or if he’d simply had enough and his body was trying to tell him it was time to stop. He now felt the exhaustion rising up again and knew he wouldn’t be able to shake it much longer. He’d been awake too long for someone who barely slept the night before and the weight of his eyelids kept increasing with each passing moment. Though he was in the company of his friends, supposedly socializing, he couldn’t stay alert. He felt himself start to jerk in and out of consciousness, the room becoming less and less clear as time went on. He carefully slipped his phone and the note back into his pocket and dragged his satchel closer. Using it as a makeshift pillow, Caleb passed out on the floor of Beau and Jester’s apartment, fatigue having won.

When he awoke it was still dark out. He was exactly where he was when he first closed his eyes, body curled up and surprisingly comfortable on the cool tile. It was Veth’s gentle shaking and prodding that stirred him, telling him it was time to head home. He sat up groggily, rubbing his eyes and adjusting to the dimness again. He nodded slowly and rose to his feet, letting her help him smooth out the wrinkles from his clothes, though it was entirely useless at this point seeing as they would be home and in bed not long after leaving. But Caleb appreciated the loving gesture nonetheless. He and Veth bid their friends goodnight, promising to have dinner together sometime in the next few days and set off to their apartment. Caleb was still fairly drunk as they emerged outside. His mouth was dry, his footing slightly unsure, his head pounded, and his mind was foggy. Veth watched him intently, the concern clear on her face.

“Caleb. I don’t like this. You’re acting strange and I feel like I should tell you you’re being irresponsible, but it feels sort of hypocritical… I mean, you know, that used to be me.” Her voice softened toward the end.

Caleb looked down at her, face alcohol flushed and a bit flustered. He gave her a gentle smile and nodded, reaching for her hand. It was both out of affection and to help guide him. He didn’t feel particularly steady at the moment.

“I know. We can talk about it in the morning, Ja? I feel rather foolish and very tired. But thank you… I know I can be, uh, worrisome at times.”

He squeezed her hand, trying to let her know that while she was allowed to worry about him, he’d be okay. She returned the gesture, much tighter than Caleb had done to her, but he appreciated it still. He let her lead them back to their apartment, trying to remind himself to be careful and quiet. Luc and Yeza were sleeping and it was well past 1 am at this point. They entered silently, slipping off their shoes and making their way to their rooms. Caleb wasn’t so steady on his feet, and Veth being ever watchful of him had to guide him to his room. She led him to his bed, helped him out of his clothes and into something more comfortable, though he stumbled a bit through the process, and made sure he had water and pain killers for the inevitable headache he’d have in the morning. She helped Caleb up into his bed and when he was all situated and tucked in— because what kind of friend would she be if she didn’t tuck him in— she kissed him softly on the forehead.

“Goodnight, Cay Cay. Don’t forget that I love you.” She whispered and quickly scurried off toward her own room to join her lightly snoring husband.

He awoke in the morning to a pounding headache and an awful case of dry mouth. He groaned, scrubbing his hand over his face. His stubble was even worse than it was yesterday, making him feel slightly uncomfortable. He rolled over in his bed, pulling the blankets up higher to block out some of the sun. It was much too bright and his eyes were overly sensitive thanks to his night of copious drinking. He let himself sink into the mattress, reveling in its comfort for a little while longer. He didn’t want to be reminded that he had office hours today. Normally he wouldn’t, but seeing as it was the beginning of the semester and students would obviously have questions, Dr. Ikithon had announced that Caleb would be seeing students all day Saturday. He couldn’t help but feel like it was a punishment for him being late. In fact he was certain of it. He begrudgingly forced himself to get up, he was supposed to be in the library on the early side. He wasn’t sure what time it was, but he desperately hoped he hadn’t overslept. He looked to his overcrowded, untidy desk. Sitting on the edge was a glass water, some pills and his phone. It was currently charging and there was a note from Veth sitting just beneath it. He downed the pills eagerly, praying they’d lessen the dull ache that lingered in his head. He plucked his phone from the desk and checked the time— 9:15 am. He still had plenty of time to prepare, the library didn’t open until 10:30 anyway. After getting himself reoriented he read the note Veth had left for him.

_Morning Cay Cay,_

_I hope you don’t oversleep. I set your alarm, so hopefully_

_you have plenty of time to get ready. Yeza, Luc, and I_

_are going to the park later so I’m not sure when we’ll_

_be back… ran out for a bit to do some shopping with_

_the boys. Don’t worry, Yeza bought coffe yesterday!_

_I left you some breakfast, make sure you eat!_

_I don’t want you to come home later still hungover_

_and starving. I suppose I’ll see you after work._

_Love Veth <3_

Caleb smiled softly at the note. He was truly grateful for her. He knew he’d be a complete mess without her and he’d be damned if he didn’t show her his appreciation.

After a shower and brushing his teeth he quickly got dressed, pulling together whatever was clean and casually professional. He didn’t want to look too stuffy, but he was also trying to avoid seeming too lax. Caleb didn’t like to admit it, but his wardrobe didn’t have much variety. He stuck primarily to the same color palette, fabrics, similar textures, cuts, and styles. He didn’t like to deviate much, simplicity over station. It seemed odd, but it was comfortable for him. He didn’t particularly want to be noticed and was content to blend in to the background. He contemplated briefly on what to wear, not wanting to spend too much time on appearances— it wasn’t a top priority. However, today it was muggy and warm out and he needed to feel somewhat comfortable. Most of his clothes were long sleeves, sweaters and half turtlenecks, and loose button ups all meant for cooler weather. He had some short sleeves but as he looked over his options he had a sort of sinking feeling in his gut. His arms. They were wrought with thick white scars and he was deeply self conscious of them. There was shame attached and he didn’t want questions. He was fine exposing his arms to his friends, but it had taken a long time for him to get there. Whenever he worked he wore some sort of jacket or long sleeves, thankfully he was inside most of the time, but he felt strange always wearing long sleeves.

He wondered if his students, colleagues, and professors ever questioned it. What if they did? What if they had questions Caleb didn’t want to answer? Logically he knew that no one really thought about about it too deeply, but the thought still worried him. He panicked slightly as he tried to choose, his head ache mixing with anxiety wasn’t helping. _Pants_. Pants were easy. Caleb could do pants. But now he started fretting about the color and fabric. The headache was getting worse instead of better and though he tried not to spiral and have a panic attack before 10 am, things were looking grim. Eventually he just grabbed anything immediately in front of him; dark cropped jeans— comfortable yet fairly professional, a light gray loose fitting button up, and a a pair of Chelsea boots. Professional enough he supposed. He didn’t bother fastening the shirt all the way, it was much too hot, but he did regret having to go with long sleeves. He didn’t have much choice though, at least it was a light weight cotton. Caleb knew he was fretting too much, worrying about whether or not he looked presentable enough on a the first Saturday back… not like the students would really care, especially on a weekend. But he did, he wanted to make something of himself and that meant looking the part.

Letting out a heavy sign, Caleb made his way to the kitchen and quickly grabbed the breakfast that Veth had left for him, kept warm in the oven. Thank god, greasy food. He was careful not to get anything on himself, again paying far too much attention to how he looked. Eggs, bacon, potatoes. The essentials, simple and familiar. Eating had definitely subsided the pounding in his head some and he felt a little more energized. But coffee would help even more. He put on a pot, noting to grab it, his keys, and books as he was leaving. He cleaned up briefly, not wanting to leave more for Veth to worry about and finished his morning routine. One last glance over in the mirror, just to make sure everything was in place and he would be set. His gaze was scrutinizing, searching for anything off about his appearance. He wasn’t sure why it seemed to matter more today, but it did for some reason. He realized he forgot to shave again. He sighed, feeling along his jaw as he inspected his face in the mirror. It wasn’t terrible, he just looked scruffier than he wanted too. He took a step back to make sure he didn’t have any stains or obvious wrinkles in his clothes, but instead of feeling assured despite the neatness, he felt uneasy. He looked tired, sad, and broke. An accurate statement that made his stomach sink as he began to compare himself, much to his surprise, to Essek.

Caleb began to wonder what the man would think of him if they happened to run into each other again today. He started feeling nervous and inadequate. Essek was so put together from what he saw the day before; obviously tailored pants, well fitted expensive shirt, and designer shoes. Caleb felt hopeless as he recollected his own appearance yesterday. Not the most impressive or put together first impression. And yet Essek seemed amused by him… maybe it was academic interest, or perhaps pity— he couldn’t be sure which, but it left him feeling sort of hollow. Caleb so desperately wanted to be considered, to compare and meet the expectations and level that his peers and colleagues so expertly achieved. But his own insecurities and doubts clouded his belief and now that he’d met Essek it seemed even worse than it had when it was just him, Astrid, and Wulf. He shook himself back to the present, studied his reflection one last time, and hastily pulled his hair into a not so tidy bun; wispy tendrils and stray hairs falling around his face and neck. He supposed this was as good as it was going to get and made his way back out to the kitchen to get the rest of his things. He quickly made his coffee the way he liked, grabbed his satchel—shoving all the books and plans inside, swiped his keys, and headed off toward the library.

The walk wasn’t very long, but Caleb felt rather antsy and impatient. He’d finished his coffee already and his nerves were building steadily. He wasn’t entirely sure why. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to run into anyone he knew, wanted to keep his head down. He wasn’t in the mood for pointless conversation, especially when his mind was already struggling to tune out his still lingering hangover. He knew he looked and felt like shit and hoped to god that no one would show up at the library so he could escape for a while and read completely uninterrupted. That was the ultimate goal, to have hours and hours for studying— not just in the academic sense but to satiate his own curiosities. As he approached the library steps, he noted the time. He was still on the early side. He desperately wanted a cigarette, hoping it would ease some of the tension he felt, but he didn’t think 5 minutes would be long enough to enjoy the simplicity of smoking. He wouldn’t even be able to finish the whole thing. Caleb is very much all or nothing, and yes this applies to smoking cigarettes too. With the disappointing realization that he needed to prepare and that there wouldn’t be enough time to take a moment for himself— albeit not a healthy one— Caleb stepped foot into the library and made his way to the designated meeting spot.

Normally he’d be in Dr. Ikithon’s office while helping students, but for some reason Trent had explicitly told him that it was off limits this weekend, forcing Caleb to scramble to figure things out. Being unprepared was not something he dealt well with. He now had to contend with possibly conflicting factors, overstimulation, and sensory and information overload that weren’t present in the office. Caleb could usually drown out distractions when he was hyper focused, but teaching was something that required more nuanced attention that was difficult to maintain in a public space. And while yes libraries were usually quiet, Caleb found that fluorescent lights, infrequent chatter, and keyboard clacking all deterred from his ability to be attentive on people. He sighed heavily as he settled in at an empty table. The library was currently fairly barren, only a few people and librarians off in distant corners. He hoped it would stay that way. He took out his books, laptop, and planner, trying to be as organized and prepared as possible. He didn’t want to seem too unapproachable however, so he leaned back in his chair and slumped a little. Exhaustion was relatable.

10:30 approached, then 11, then suddenly it was 11:45 and no one had shown up and he’d had a wonderful almost hour and a half to read. Caleb would be lying if he said he wasn’t grateful. He wasn’t so keen on spending all Saturday talking students through assignments that hadn’t even happened yet. He had another 15 minutes left until his “break” and he was fucking relieved. He didn’t think anyone was going to rush in at the last minute, so he dropped all manner of professionalism and peered back into the book he’d been glued to. He’d read a decent amount, at least a third of the way through. He was a fairly quick reader and enjoyed consuming as many books as he possibly could. This would definitely be useful in his research, and possibly his dissertation down the line. He hummed quietly as he flipped to the next page, its number hitting him with surprising recognition. It was the page Essek’s note had been tucked between. Caleb swallowed hard, face feeling slightly hot. He began to think about the note again. Essek’s phone number. Caleb hadn’t extended the courtesy of sending a reply. He wasn’t entirely sure how these things worked. He had heard from Veth and Beau that when someone gives you their number you’re supposed to leave them anticipating a response for a while to keep them interested, whatever that meant. But he wasn’t sure how long a while was. Was it hours? Days? It didn’t make much sense to him and he didn’t want to seem to forward or intrusive. What if he said the wrong thing? What if he was bothering him?

Caleb thought about all of those messages he typed and deleted the night before. He let out a small groan as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was utterly out of his depth. Nevertheless he decided to pull out his phone and try again. He stared at it blankly, Essek’s contact now actually saved instead of just a random number floating in limbo. Caleb’s brows knit together, he tried to focus on something to say that didn’t sound terribly awkward or odd. He bit the bullet. Opening his texts he typed the first thing he could think of and pressed send. _Fuck_. His stomach lurched as he stared at the screen, regretting everything leading to this moment.

**_Caleb:_ **

_Hallo, Essek. This is Caleb Widogast. Thank you for the book… it’s quite good. I saw your note and very much appreciate the invitation. If you ever wanted to review research I would be happy to meet with you and discuss_

Caleb felt his pulse quicken a bit as he continued to gawk at the words he typed only moments ago. Had he been too hasty? Should he have waited longer. This wasn’t something he wasn’t super comfortable with and he’d just been recklessly impulsive. He could kick himself. But he took a deep breath, placed the phone face down on the table, and stared at the ceiling while he tried to collect himself. He didn’t expect Essek to respond any time soon— or at all for that matter. So he just sat there studying the small imperfections in the ceiling and committing them to memory. It was a welcome moment of reprieve, to focus on something so insignificant. But his momentary peace was disturbed by his phone buzzing a few feet away. He jerked forward, a little startled, but not overly speculative. It was probably Veth letting him know that she and her family were at the park. Or maybe it was Jester asking if he wanted anything while she was out. He remembered that she’d said she was spending the day with her mother. But when Caleb swiped his phone off the table and looked down, it wasn’t his friends at all… it was Essek.

Caleb struggled to believe the reality in front of him. It had been so doubtful, so inconceivable that Essek would’ve responded— or responded so quickly, especially to him. Caleb wasn’t sure why Essek was even acknowledging him in the first place. He was sort of a disaster and if their interactions from the day before were anything to go by, Essek must think Caleb’s a fool. Perhaps he finds him amusing— in the sort of way you would find a small child’s clumsiness entertaining. Part of him was terrified to read the message, but the other part was curious to know what the other man said in response to him. There was potentially some meaning to glean, some mutual interest, or maybe he was telling Caleb to fuck off and gave him the note solely to toy with and intimidate him. People, especially powerful and well put together people, were the most difficult to read. It was always a game of chess with individuals of that sort, strategizing and dancing around possible killing blows. He shoved down his nerves momentarily however and opened the text, hoping he hadn’t just ruined the possibility of some sort of working relationship. Caleb didn’t engage with many people in his field and he felt sort of slighted in that regard, though it was in part his own fault— social awkwardness and all. Essek was an opportunity to remedy that, so he took a breath and proceeded to read the message.

**_Essek:_ **

****

_Ah, Caleb. I was wondering if you’d find my note. My apologies if I was too presumptuous. I wanted to thank you for your help with my own studies yesterday, that book you pulled is particularly useful… I also wanted to apologize for catching you off guard… that was unfortunate._

Caleb read the words over several times. Essek was apologizing to him? It didn’t entirely register or make sense, but he felt obliged to continue the conversation.

**_Caleb:_ **

****

_It’s fine. You don’t have to apologize. I was… well distracted. I hope yesterday didn’t permanently color your impression of me. I wasn’t entirely myself._

**_Essek:_ **

_Not at all. I supposed I caught you at a bad moment was all. Speaking of bad timing…What are you doing right now?_

Caleb felt his face flush, a dusting of pink flaring on his cheeks and creeping onto his neck. He was certainly flustered. He felt extremely uncomfortable when any sort of attention was directed at him, especially niceties. He wasn’t sure why Essek was inquiring into what he was up to, but the prospect felt strangely exciting.

**_Caleb:_ **

_I’m at the library currently— working. But I have my break in a few minutes. I don’t think I’ll have much to do in that time though. Why are you asking?_

After he pressed send, Caleb realized his last sentence might come across as blunt or rude. He started feeling anxious again, biting his lip and running his fingers through his hair to calm down.

**_Essek:_ **

_After our chance meeting yesterday I asked Dr. Ikithon about you. I hope that was alright. It was strange, we’re both in the same field of study and yet we’ve never met before. I must admit I was curious. He told me about your research and my interest was piqued. I’ve had yet to meet someone else doing work on time dilation_

Essek had asked Trent about him? It was both exciting and distressing. Caleb always felt unnerved and scrutinized by the professor and yet he somehow said some thing to Essek that made him want to talk to him. And though Essek’s message had sent, three little bothersome dots kept appearing and disappearing that let Caleb know there was more to say. They always leave him with an inexplicable uneasiness.

**_Essek:_ **

_To answer your question. I was on campus and I was hoping that there was a very small chance you might be as well… I wondering if you wanted to wanted to compare notes or discuss your ideas with someone. It’s a rare opportunity. Would you like to meet?_

Caleb couldn’t help but stare at the message for a few moments. He wasn’t used to people taking an interest in him, or extending pleasantries and invitations. He had strictly been a loner, well at least before the Nein. He let out a deep breath, contemplating how to respond before taking the plunge.

**_Caleb:_ **

****

_That sounds… nice actually. I haven’t discussed my research with anyone in a long time. I would like that very much. Would you be okay with meeting at the library? I still have office hours unfortunately._

****

**_Essek:_ **

****

_I see. Dreadful and tedious. I don’t envy you. But, I don’t mind meeting you there— it’s a rather strange coincidence I’m here as well. I’m in the stacks currently but I could come find you if you like_

He held his phone a bit tighter, interest and confusion simultaneously driving his conflicting desires. He felt the fluttering start up again in his stomach and his palms felt sweaty. It was a very unpleasant sensation. He took a few moments to collect himself, remembering Beau’s many chidings. ‘Caleb at least try to be a little more personable.’ He clenched his jaw and willed himself to respond despite everything within him begging him to give up entirely.

**_Caleb:_ **

****

_I’m feeling a bit restless. I definitely think I need to stretch my legs for a bit. Would meeting outside be okay? I’d like to get at least a moment away from work_

**_Essek:_ **

****

_Of course. I’ll see you out front then_

Caleb read the messages one more time, trying to decode their possible meaning, but it felt pointless. He was wasting time, procrastinating and fearing the potential outcomes of actually meeting up with him. He decided, once more against his better judgment, to satiate the curiosity. Caleb began to find _himself_ rather curious, he continued to contradict his long set rules and principles, leaving him feeling even more uneasy. Shaking off his doubts for the time being he quickly scooped up his things, tried and then quickly gave up tidying his bun, and made his way to the front steps. He went with his instinct and retreated to the shade beneath the awning. The sun wasn’t his friend right now; pale skin and long sleeves were a horrid combination in the summer. He took a few deep breaths and began to fidget nervously with the straps of his satchel. He felt exposed and vulnerable, something that bothered him deeply. Caleb could feel the anxiety spreading through his whole body, squeezing the straps wasn’t enough. He began to rub his bicep, the way he usually did when he was trying to stymie his nerves. He worried that he might subconsciously start to scratch, to the point where he might make his arm raw and red, but thankfully no one would be able to see beneath his long gray sleeves. It was sort of a relief, but he knew better than to let himself lest he face the wrath of Veth and Beau over his unintentional self injury. He was overthinking this.

A few more moments passed of Caleb finding new and currently ineffective ways of exorcising his tensions. He desperately wanted to smoke, but he wasn’t sure if Essek would be okay with it so he just pulled one out and stuck it behind his ear for later. Hopefully Essek wouldn’t notice. Caleb’s eyes scanned the area around him, watching out for any indication or lack thereof of the other man. He secretly hoped he would stand him up. Caleb was beginning to regret his choices far faster than he had expected, but it was too late to back out— he’d already said yes. He could feel his typically neutral expression twisting into one of worry, promising to advertise his distress. The discomfort was threatening to boil over, leaving Caleb in a state where he might be unable to express anything at all, but he forced himself to take deep breaths and think about Veth, Beau, Jester, Fjord, and Cad and what they might say to him. Most of them would probably agree that he was reading too much into things, that this wasn’t anything more than a friendly conversation and pleasantries. Then why was he feeling so conflicted? He closed his eyes and scrubbed his hands over his face, hoping that doing so would physically wipe the apprehension from his body. When Caleb opened his eyes again, a not so distant figure came into focus. Backlit by the sun, Essek approached him. It was almost like a halo effect, the rays radiating behind him as he glided in Caleb’s direction. It was strangely beautiful, like the holy paintings hanging in temples he’d seen over the years. He forced himself to give a faint smile as Essek approached, hoping his face wouldn’t betray him.

Essek met him with a subdued grin of his own. His strides were graceful and assured, something Caleb definitely wouldn’t say about himself. He met the other man’s eyes, desperately trying to avoid the urge to look away despite the natural discomfort that came with eye contact.

“H-Hallo, Mr. Thelyss.” Caleb managed, his voice wavering a bit.

“It’s good to see you again, Caleb. Essek is fine by the way. We don’t have to be formal for formality’s sake.” His voice was smooth and rich, the faint accent intriguing.

“Ja, of course. Essek.” Caleb paused for a moment, feeling the syllables of the other man’s name on his tongue.

He stood there awkwardly for several moments, a brief silence hanging about them. Caleb began to rub his arm again, looking around nervously. He tried to think of something to say, but no words came to him. The moment seemed far too long, but in truth only seconds had passed. He needed to break the silence. He needed to say something, anything.

“Ah, do you mind if I smoke?” Caleb could kick himself. If he was trying to seem put together and stable this was probably in direct opposition.

Essek eyed him for a moment. It was hard to discern what he was thinking and it made Caleb uneasy.

“It’s not a problem if you _do_ mind… I have my break now and I didn’t get a cigarette in this morning and—”

Essek cut him off. It wasn’t rude or curt. He didn’t seem annoyed. If anything his smile changed from a slight grin to a knowing smirk. Caleb felt like he was speaking a different language entirely, one for which he had absolutely no point of reference.

“Not at all. In fact… would _you_ mind terribly if I asked you for a cigarette? I seem to have left my pack at home and the stress of the day, well it’s getting to me…” He trailed off.

Caleb blinked vigorously for a few seconds before nodding and pulling both the cigarette out from behind his ear and a pack from the front pocket of his bag. He put his own cigarette between his lips, balancing the pack in one hand and rummaging for a lighter with the other. He swore he could hear Essek do one of those laughs that isn’t really a laugh but a disguised exhale. Maybe he was searching for it— for something to prove the other man found him pitifully amusing. But Caleb put the thought out of his head as he finally found the lighter hiding in the bottom of his bag. He turned back toward Essek, pack and lighter in hand, a smile smile curling on his lips. 

“I hope American Spirit’s okay?”

Caleb hoped he didn’t look like he desperately wanted Essek’s approval, even though part of him did. 

“Perfect. That’s my preference anyway.” Essek held out two fingers expectantly. 

Caleb nodded, silent and far too solemn for such a simple, meaningless task. He shook loose a spare cigarette and placed it between Essek’s fingers, their hands gently brushing against each other. There was a strange electricity that resonated from the contact. Caleb blinked vigorously, attempting to ignore every question his mind was attempting to throw at him. He watched as Essek brought the unlit cigarette to his lips, it fit so perfectly between them— like it was meant to be there. Caleb hoped he didn’t look as flustered as he felt, fumbling as he attempted to light his cigarette with uncharacteristically shaky hands. But as he brought up the lighter he thought better of putting himself first and came to the conclusion that the polite thing to do would be to offer Essek a light.

“Allow me.” Caleb’s voice cracked slightly as he brought the lighter closer to Essek. 

Contrary to Caleb’s expectations Essek did not remove the cigarette from his lips to light it, rather he let Caleb bring his fingers— and the flame— dangerously close to his face. As he pulled away his eyes locked with Essek’s. It was awkward, painful, and prolonged… at least it was for Caleb. Until it wasn’t. Until he’d absentmindedly lit his own cigarette continuing to stare into the other man’s eyes, hypnotized by some sort of magic he couldn’t quite place. They took their first drags simultaneously in silence, but Essek’s face said so many things without words. It was difficult for Caleb to read. He didn’t quite understand the base language anyway. It was increasingly perplexing and uncomfortably intimate for someone he’d only just met. He couldn’t be quite sure, but it was almost as if Essek was studying him, like he was trying just as hard to categorize Caleb. Finally, he broke their eye contact, it had become almost unbearable. But it had stirred something within him; a curiosity, a desire to understand and know more. Caleb felt his the fluttering rise up from stomach once more. _Fuck._ This was more than curiosity. He might very well be, and to his utmost discontent, attracted to Essek. This was the last thing he needed and yet part of him desperately wanted it. Maybe, just maybe he could use this to his advantage.


	3. Judging Books By Their Covers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caleb tries to go through the motions of social interaction, but it doesn’t go quite as smoothly as he had hoped. Luckily his found family is there to pick up the pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry this took me FOREVER... I have been swamped with work stuff and a partially dislocated collarbone can make writing difficult. But hey— 3 chapters! I wanted to thank everyone for being so nice and wanting to see more (it always makes me invested in continuing the work.) 
> 
> Some stuff about this chapter: There is a portion where I describe an autistic meltdown. Again if this is triggering for you I would recommend skipping this part— it starts at the line “The slowing of time was unbearable.” And ends at “He needed his family” It’s not sensational or graphic or self harm talk in any way, I just wanted to be sensitive to people who might feel triggered by this. I’m autistic btw so a lot of this is from my personal experience. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter and as always thank you for reading!  
> ––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

The afternoon was a combination of tapping pens and infrequent glances. If Caleb had been struggling to be attentive before it certainly wasn’t the case as the hours passed. He couldn’t not pay attention to Essek. He was so eloquent. The man was sure, confident, intelligent. Everything Caleb felt like he himself pretended to be. Imposter syndrome is a fucking bitch. He desperately tried to mask his awkwardness, his over excitement, his urge to just let all the thoughts in his brain drown Essek in a jumble of carefully collected and cherished knowledge. That quirk could get old and tiresome quite quickly and Caleb wasn’t about to unintentionally sabotage a burgeoning relationship— in whatever context it needed to be. It had happened before; being excited to get to know someone only to completely dominate the conversation with things they didn’t care about. It usually resulted in ghosting whether; it was an acquaintance, colleague, or potential romantic interest. Caleb was terrified of messing things up so he tried extra hard to appear as ‘normal’ as possible.

It was so excruciatingly painful though. He tried incredibly hard not to fidget an inordinate amount or to ask irrelevant or probing questions. It was utter torture. Around his friends he had become sort of accustomed to feeling less self conscious about his ‘odd’ behaviors. None of them really questioned it and many of the Nein had quirks of their own. Veth’s obsessive tendencies and collections, Beau’s impulsiveness and her own fidgety behavior, Jester’s effervescent high energy dances of excitement— all of them had their own thing and none of them judged the other harshly, but that couldn’t be said of those outside their little found family. Trent was always reprimanding him for his lack of eye contact and his incongruent reactions to seemingly small stressors, but he praised him wildly for his intellect. It was a confusing message. There had been many such messages across the spectrum of relationships. Wulf teasing his quietness and lack of social life, yet commending his ability to present well when the time came. Astrid’s almost pitying care for him, yet her discontentment with how detached he seemed at times. It was difficult to know if he was only tolerated for his usefulness. He tried to put those thoughts out of his mind however as the opportunity to amend this issue and learn something immensely valuable presented itself before him.

During the afternoon Caleb learned that Essek was halfway through his PhD., had already been published in several acclaimed journals and was working on a research presentation for an up coming conference. He had been asked to serve on a panel on behalf of the university. The man was utterly impressive. Caleb, though not as far along in his trajectory, couldn’t help but compare himself to Essek. Sure Caleb was only starting his doctorate, but Essek’s quick ascension to his current prowess was something he desperately wanted to achieve— or have achieved already. Sure, he had been a co-author on papers and had been a research assistant for some time, but he was nowhere near the level of the man who sat across from him. It was at once intimidating and extremely attractive. When Essek asked Caleb about himself and his goals he seemed genuinely interested, but Caleb had never been good at trusting people on their word. Most people feign niceties and sugar coat phrases to seem polite. That never made sense to him. No one ever just says what they mean, they skirt around and avoid. These were the tendencies of all social milieus, especially elites. But despite Caleb’s best attempts to dissect the other man’s intent, Essek seemed thoroughly genuine. Nonetheless it still made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.

“So… Caleb, now that I have divulged my qualifications— my apologies if I bored you. I would be very much interested in hearing about you. Tell me something compelling, unexpected. I’m curious.”

This, admittedly, took Caleb by surprise. He wasn’t sure if this qualified as small talk, small talk always required scripts and planning. Whatever this was, it definitely wasn’t in his wheelhouse to talk about himself outside the things he was interested in. He had no playbook for this sort of situation. He’d just have to improvise, something he hoped desperately wouldn’t backfire.

“Ja, um… okay. I’m not sure what qualifies as interesting…” He laughed awkwardly. “but I speak four languages— obviously English isn’t my first, as you can probably tell by my accent.” He swallowed hard, this was proving to be much more anxiety inducing that he’d thought. “Uh, I have a cat… but that’s probably not something you want to hear about— he’s a very good boy though, the best.”

Caleb felt himself mentally groan as he began talking about Frumpkin. He loved Frumpkin, but his cat was not the sort of topic one brings up when getting to know someone— especially not in professional conversation. Not everyone likes cats and if Caleb could he would ramble on and on about how smart and sweet his boy was and he would probably start listing a plethora of obscure information about cats that would quickly become tiresome and annoying. He needed to recover.

“Uh, my best friend is currently one of my students—Veth, you met her yesterday. She’s very clever. She’s helped me with much of my research as well as helping me publish in a few small journals. Not very impressive I’m afraid.” He let out another nervous laugh.

He carefully gaged Essek’s reactions to his answers. Caleb would be lying if he said he wasn’t skeptical of their entire interaction. This was all so contrary to his prior experiences with people of means, people who don’t struggle in the ways he did. There was simultaneously within him, a sense of discomfort with not meeting his learned expectations and a strange twinge of hope in the apparent nicety. It wasn’t often that Caleb was met with interest or care when he spoke. He never expected, nor necessarily wanted, attention centered on him, but it was nice nonetheless. People are social beings after all, craving connection with others even if they might be awkward and afraid of the possibility of being ostracized further. He secretly relished in the conversation.

Much to Caleb’s surprise, Essek was consistently attentive. He showed all the signs of an interested social partner; eye contact, infrequent nods, hums of intrigue— all things Caleb had learned to copy over the years and perform when necessary. He tried not to ramble much or dominate their time together, which was admittedly difficult, but he felt relief in the fact that Essek hadn’t stopped him yet. Though the other man was engaged in their rapport, Caleb couldn’t help feeling as though he was failing in his attempt to be interesting. He hadn’t really said anything profoundly accomplished or intriguing in contrast to Essek’s rich history, so he tried desperately to pull out something even slightly comparable. He racked his brain, searching in vain for something that made him sound less dull. Essek seemed like the sort of person who seeks out curiosity and Caleb didn’t think there was much of anything to find curious about him— unless you counted loads of baggage and trauma. But he didn’t want to touch on his past and tried to dredge up something more present and less pathetic. He came to the conclusion that anything was better than leaving off with casual mentions of cats and friends. Academics and study was what they were both seeking and so Caleb offered Essek something relevant, yet unrevealing.

“I also worked with Dr. Yusa Errenis for a short time. He was just as private as they say… though for good reason I suppose. His work is highly complex. It was an invaluable learning experience.” Caleb fidgeted as he spoke, massaging his palms to quell his nerves. He was afraid he was sounding too formal.

Essek’s face relayed an expression that was difficult for Caleb to read. His brows raised, accompanied by a slight smile and a nod of recognition. Once again the debate between vapid amusement and genuine interest waged inside Caleb’s mind.

“Well, Caleb. That’s quite impressive. It’s not often you get to work beside one of the great minds. You are of a privileged few.”

There was a slight lull in the conversation while Caleb’s mind scrambled to comprehend the exchange. Essek was impressed by something so seemingly trivial to him. It barely made sense and yet Caleb ignored his confusion in hopes that this conversation would lead to more like it. He desperately sought that elusive connection.

The pause lingered for several more moments, a look of contemplation— and quite possibly conflict— arising in Essek’s eyes. He sighed slightly before slipping into the next beat of conversation.

“I must admit…” He paused. “I might have had ulterior motives in asking you to meet with me.” His eyes darting away from Caleb as he rested his chin in his hand.

A wave of panic swelled inside Caleb. The fear that Essek was toying with him had returned, as well as many other unnameable thoughts. What were these motives? What did that even mean? In Caleb’s mind he pictured some sort of meeting between spies. The two agents arriving with some secret purpose, plans to foil each other thinly veiled social obligation. He could be so utterly literal at times and it bothered him greatly— but, in line with his spy thriller imaginings, he couldn’t help but wonder if Essek was looking for a way to sabotage him. But why? And for what? None of this was making sense and the urge to rock and massage his bicep was ever building. He was almost overwhelmed by his own over analyzing and wished for nothing more than to retreat to a bathroom and hyperventilate in anonymity. But he knew better, at least in this setting. He would have to grin and bear whatever came his way, whether for reputation or social norms.

Caleb let out a perplexed “Oh?” Before Essek elaborated.

“Yes.” He sighed again. “I’m in search of an experienced research assistant— and when Professor Ikithon told me about you and your work, you seemed like the perfect fit. I’ve exhausted the other avenues and require someone much more experienced than undergrads and Masters students. Am I wrong in assuming you’d be interested?” There was almost a bashfulness in his tone.

A flash of heat spread over Caleb. He could feel his face betraying him, a nice flushed hue of red tinting his cheeks, having crept up from his chest and spreading to the tips of his ears. He swallowed thickly, gathering his thoughts before clearing his throat. He was slightly floored. This was… unexpected— but highly welcome. He braced himself mentally for the unknown and took a fearful leap of faith. Caleb was one to take calculated risks, and in his pursuit of knowledge he was willing to push his boundaries further than he cared to.

“Nein… you are not wrong in your assumption.” Caleb smiled awkwardly. “I am very intrigued to know what this entails. You don’t mind taking on someone with less credentials? I’m sure there are others that are more qualified. I’m only in the beginnings of my doctorate and—”

Essek cut him off, holding his palm up as a signal to stop him. Caleb abruptly shrunk into himself a bit, embarrassment catching up to him with the realization that he was rambling and jumping to negative conclusions. He also was minimizing his own capabilities, which he knew Veth would scold him for if she had heard. He was infinitely glad she wasn’t here.

“Let’s just say I’m partial to having someone who is passionate about the subject rather than some self important undergrad desperate for praise and recognition. You, from what I’ve gathered, are far more interested in the knowledge itself and pushing the boundaries of what is possible. Or am I being presumptuous again?”

Caleb felt a jolt of electricity up his spine. He hadn’t felt this level of excitement about something in a long time. It felt _good_ … no, it felt _great_. Once again he felt a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as the information settled further into his brain. This was exactly what he was looking for.

“Not presumptuous at all…” The words were difficult to get out. The euphoria that came with being acknowledged was almost too much to handle. “It would be a privilege to work with you.” He hoped he didn’t sound too eager or desperate.

“Good.” Essek smiled, there was something strangely smug about it, as though he’d proven some unspoken theory. “Honestly, I’m more looking for a co-researcher than assistant.” He leaned in closer to Caleb. “You are highly recommended you know.”

The disbelief that stirred up inside him was frighteningly intense. He was a well of doubt and self flagellation. This was his typical routine; torturing himself with all of his shortcomings and past pain. The invitation was new territory for him and while it was exciting, it was also terrifying. The possibility of this offer being sabotage resurfaced, Caleb’s innate skepticism lurking as it always did. It now occurred to him that perhaps Essek wasn’t toying with him, but Trent was. This was all quite possibly a ploy by Ikithon, luring Caleb into a false sense of validity. Perhaps this was all a set up and Essek was the bait? He hated how paranoid he was, but there were too many red flags and he suddenly wanted to reject the offer entirely, but he knew that would be rude and unbecoming. This was a trap, a trap to show Caleb just how much of a mess he was and that his whole future was dependent on Trent’s plans. He hoped his panic was well managed enough that his face was read as neutral as possible. But he was never good at controlling his expressions, nor was he great at reading them on others. Once again he would be forced to improvise and everything inside him was screaming to abandon ship.

“Oh.” His voice was flat, he was just barely beyond being monosyllabic. He was terrified he might go non verbal. “That’s unexpected.”

“Is it?” Essek now looked what Caleb interpreted as concerned or perplexed. He noted the knit brows and slight inclination of the other man’s head.

“Well, no? But yes?” He was speaking without thinking, something dangerous and rare. “Dr. Ikithon and I have a complicated history and I’m not sure why he recommended me to you, but it certainly wasn’t out of any sort of admiration. I believe he wants to keep an eye on me and not in a good way. I would just be burdening you… I think maybe you would be better off working with someone else. I’m a not as skilled as he made me out to be and—”

Caleb suddenly realized he was divulging far too much and cut himself off, but the damage was done. In his mind he’d made himself look like a fool. Once again the sense of panic started to take over. The hum of electricity radiating from the fluorescent lights was growing louder and louder and the distant squeaky wheel on a library cart was all he could focus on. The sensations and sounds around him were building and building into a ticking time bomb, getting closer to detonation. With all the energy he could muster he abruptly rose from the table, his chair scraping painfully across the floor. He felt himself cringe. It was noticeable, obvious even, that he was highly uncomfortable. He felt closer and closer to a meltdown, the sensory and emotional overload co-mingling inside him. He quickly gathered his things before hastily turning to a now very confused Essek.

“I need to go. I’m very sorry for wasting your time.” He made his retreat.

“Caleb wait!”

Essek called after him, but Caleb was already half way to the doors. He walked as quickly as he could, feelings swelling inside him that were too difficult to name and even more impossible to contain. As he made his way back out into the scorching August afternoon he hoped he would make it back to his apartment before the meltdown hit. He knew he couldn’t suppress it for long, he never could— it normally just turned into shutting down, which wasn’t great either. Despite him learning to better manage his anxieties, the combination of sensory overload and social anxiety would never be easy to diminish, no matter how much he practiced. So he practically sprinted back home. He didn’t want to break down in public, that was the last thing he needed. He was horrified of someone so much as looking at him. But his fear of publicly humiliating himself only fed into the panic. He didn’t have far to go until he reached the complex, but each minute felt like an eternity. He needed to feel safe. He needed to have his space and privacy and to be far away from everything and everyone. It was all too much.

The slowing of time was unbearable, but eventually he made it to the front door of his building. The swarm of emotions and discomfort hadn’t at all subsided, but there was a slight relief that came over him as he crossed the threshold. Somehow he made it back to the apartment. It was blissfully empty and he was at his breaking point. The moment he shut the door behind him he slid down to the floor and began shaking and crying uncontrollably. It resonated through his entire body, physically manifesting in every part of him. He was glad no one was home. He didn’t want Veth to see him like this and have her fussing over him— though maybe he did. Maybe he just wanted her to be next to him and hold his hand and rub small circles into it with her thumb. And maybe he wanted her to hug him, to hold him tightly as she told him she loved him. But she wasn’t here. He was alone and he wasn’t certain anymore if he wanted to be. The agonizing mix of triggers were forcing their way out whether he wanted them too or not. He got up, leaving his things on the floor, and began to pace as he shook, tears still clouding his vision. He just needed to ride this out, to let it happen. He closed his eyes and repeated over and over again _okay okay okay._ The words were somehow slightly soothing and so he just kept repeating them until they stopped sounding real. The shaking had started to subside, though he noticed now that he had begun to tug at his hair, probably a little too hard, and needed to minimize the risk he was posing to himself. _No more self injury._

He resigned to less harmful stims as he rode out meltdown; rubbing his facial hair, brushing his thumbs over his knuckles, and continuous pacing. Pacing was always good. Eventually he made his way to his room, feeling the post dysregulation exhaustion approaching— though he was still most definitely in the throws. He shut all of the blinds, darkening the space and minimizing stimuli. As he kicked off his shoes, Caleb felt Frumpkin brush between his ankles. He scooped up the orange Bengal cat, cradling him as he laid back on the bed. The cat purred loudly as Caleb held him to his chest, the vibrations bringing him closer and closer to baseline. And for the next several minutes he simply laid there with Frumpkin on his chest, nestled into his neck, infrequently giving the goodest boy some head scritches. He didn’t terribly mind the slight prick of Frumpkin claws as he made kitty biscuits. In fact it was comforting— and a good stand in for Veth’s hugs. He stayed like this for a long time. Normally Caleb would subconsciously keep track of how much time was passing, but right now he wanted his mind to quiet and so he just focused on his cat and the purring and how simple and safe it felt. He was so grateful for this wonderful orange cat and he held him just a little bit tighter as he buried his face into the fur, waiting for Veth to get home. He needed his family.

The sound of the Brenatto’s entering the apartment stirred Caleb from his post meltdown nap. They always wiped him out, but knowing that Veth and her family were back sent a jolt of relief through him. He looked down at his chest, Frumpkin was still curled into the crook of his neck and the room was now darker. It suddenly occurred to him that he’d left work well before his shift was over and a wave of guilt washed over him. He was fucked if Trent found out. He prayed that no one had shown up after he bolted. But one person knew. One person had been left waiting in the wake of his hasty goodbye and that person might just ruin everything. He knew he was making snap judgements about Essek, but he couldn’t help it. Caleb had been given a rare and wonderful opportunity and he most likely blew it because he couldn’t act ‘normal’ for a few hours. He was now dreading the possibility of seeing or speaking to Essek again. How could he have possibly believed that this time would be different? Becoming friends with the Mighty Nein had been a fluke. They were some strange outlier that Caleb still doubted was real. He didn’t want to think about Essek or Trent right now— or anything for that matter. He just wanted to lay here with his cat and watch documentaries about black holes until it was time to be a functioning person again. He also wanted the comfort of his friends, but that was a whole different animal. He knew he should go see Veth and Yeza and Luc, but his body felt far too heavy and he wasn’t sure if he could force himself to move. He didn’t have to.

“Lebby, you awake?”

The gentle rap of Veth’s fingers on the door sent a new sense of calm through him.

“Ja, you can come in if you want.” His was was more hoarse than he would’ve liked.

Veth gently opened the door, silhouette backlit by the hall lights. She had his satchel in hand as she approached his desk.

“Is it okay if I turn on the lights?”

Caleb hummed, letting her know he consented. He didn’t feel much like talking.

Suddenly the small lamp on his desk flicked to life, casting a dim glow in the room. Veth placed his bag on the chair and walked slowly towards his bed, a slight look of concern in her eyes.

“You didn’t oversleep for your shift did you? You never texted me that you got to work okay and I was worried about you. Don’t try to tell me not to worry either! I can’t help it.” She brushed a strand of hair away from his face as she sat beside him.

“Nein. I went to work.” He said flatly, exhaustion clear in his voice.

“What happened?” If it came from anyone else it might sound like an accusation.

“Oh, you know…” He trailed off, throwing his hands out to mimic some sort of explosion.

She smiled at him softly, hands continuing to comb gently through his hair.

“You don’t have to explain, Caleb. I understand.”

“I know.” He smiled back.

“I love you.” She kissed him on the forehead, something that always left him feeling safe yet slightly bewildered.

“I love you, too.” He whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so again I may or may not be projecting onto my boy Caleb, but I just love the relationship between him and Frumpkin. Whenever I have meltdowns I seek out my cat and let her lay on me and make biscuits and purr. Cats are the best.


End file.
